The Zhang He Files
by wildcomets
Summary: Zhang He is an agent in the 3Kingdoms Organisation. And they've rated him as their worst + most vain agent ever. Now he's gonna show them what's he's really made of in his deadliest (and 1st) case ever. And he's still vain.
1. Zhang He's first case

AN: It just works, okay?! Anyway, this is a fanfic for the GAME, and Zhou Yu + Xiao Qiao is wrong. I'm gonna change that. And the Three Kingdoms is now an organisation for secret agents. I'm also gonna make Zhuge Liang his actual age (younger than Zhou Yu), and a few others younger as well.

THE ZHANG HE FILES

  
Prologue: Zhang He - Secret Agent

Zhang He was lounging around in his bed, half asleep, as it was seven in the morning. Way to early for him. For a secret agent like him, he reckons he should only wake at noon.

_Meanwhile...at 3K HQ_

"So what shall we do?" asked Cao Cao, as Lui Bei flicked through the files. "We have never had a threat like this before."

"It seems like sending our best would be murder..." said Sun Jian. Yuan Shao scratched his beard.

"How about sending someone expendable...?" he suggested. "Who is the worse agent we've ever employed?"

"Zhang He. Quite a vain critter. Good for nothing. Lazy." Lui Bei said. They all grinned evilly.

  
Chapter 1: Zhang He's first case.

"Yo! Zhang He!!" Lu Xun ran over to Zhang He. He was the agent's strategist and brains behind everything. Except he never got to use his talents, yet. And being a young, intelligent, good looking man might add to why he never got promoted. Zhang He looked over.

"Hmm?"

"They've given us our first ever case! But after reading through the files, I've discovered it has many risks, and taking the case might mean throwing away our lives."

"What the hell, I really don't care. Do you?"

"No, no...but how about the Qiaos?" Just as Lu Xun said those words, the Qiao sisters walked over.

"Were you talking about us?!" asked Da Qiao. She and her sister, Xiao Qiao, were Zhang He's beautiful assistants, and the object of jealousy among other workers. It's not Zhang He's fault that he loved beautiful things, and THEY happened to be beautiful. However, just recently, Da Qiao was been going out with one of the co-boss's sons, Sun Ce. He was alright with that, but it seemed to him that he was beginning to lose his assistants, as Da Qiao was hanging with Sun Ce more, and Xiao Qiao is a pain in the arse when she isn't with her sister.

"Of course we were," answered Zhang He "we've just received this highly dangerous mission. Are you ready for it, considering that now you have social lives?"

"We're ready for anything, boss!"

"Da Qiao, that also means less hanging around Sun Ce. Remember, no socialising while on the job."

"How about on breaks?" Da Qiao asked.

"Whatever..." Zhang He flapped a hand dismissively. Da Qiao grinned happily. "So, Lu Xun, fill us in."

"Okay." Lu Xun opened the the folder he was holding and flipped to the required page. "A few men have teamed up to make an attack to demolish then take over the world. First suspect: Zhang Jiao..."

"Shit! Same surname!" Zhang He cried. Lu Xun ignored that, and continued.

"Zhang Jiao is a religious cult leader, his followers wears yellow and, well, yellow turbans..."

"What?! That's disgusting!!! He might as well put some creativity into it..."

"Zhang He..." Lu Xun looked at Zhang He threateningly, then, once again, continued. "Second suspect: Dong Zhuo. Former advice guy to the President. Has a lot of influence over many great people, and is linked to many underworld organisations. Listed as highly dangerous, which I think is an understatement. Third suspect: Lu Bu (Crap...now HE has the same surname as ME...)"

"Ha ha!!! Now you know how I felt!!!" laughed Zhang He, ducking a blow from Lu Xun.

"Anyway...back to the point. Lu Bu is Dong Zhuo's adopted son, and is involved in many crimes, including corruption, as he always seem to be able to walk out of every conviction. However, it is rumoured that he is the 'brawn over brains' type, and is said to be able to snap people in half."

"So what are we meant to do?" Da Qiao asked. Lu Wun flipped through the folder further.

"Okay, well, it doesn't really say, but my guess it that they're gonna try to use mass destruction to destroy the world really, and we're gonna hafta investigate this further. Considering that this is three of the most powerful men in the world, we're gonna hafta be very, very careful, and use our brains to defeat them here."

"Which I have no trouble doing." squeezed in Zhang He. They all looked at him with unimpressed expressions. "Well, it's true! No one knows the field like me!"

"What field? We haven't even started yet!" shouted Xiao Qiao.

"Hah! That's where you're wrong! Lu Xun, can you hack into Dong Zhuo's systems?"

"Sure can do, Zhang He."

"Take note of everything he does. Check his bank account, see if he uses his credit card, or cheques. If he only withdraws money, find out how much at once. Our technology can handle that."

"Okay!"

"Da Qiao, Xiao Qiao, you two come with me." and Zhang He lead them out of the building.

_At Lu Bu's pad..._

"Diao Chan, baby, I'm gonna go to my father's company's main building, now, big stuff to discuss, you know, taking over the world and stuff, so just hang around at home okay?" Lu Bu said to his girlfriend Diao Chan.

"Yes, sweetie, and don't forget our date tonight, okay?"

"I won't, now give me a big kiss...muuu..."

"...waaah!" and then Lu Bu left the building. Unknown to the big man, skinny, vain brat Zhang He was psoing as a lone bystander at the bus stop, so he saw Lu Bu drove his Ferrari model "Red Hare" away from the premises.

"Okay, True Beauty, check around the premises. Anyone left?" Zhang He whispered into his watch, which happened to be a communication device. Da Qiao looked around in her binoculars from the building next door. (They let her in, after a nice sum)

"One female, roughly our age? Or she might just look very young..."

"That might be Diao Chan..." Zhang He muttered back. "True Grace, phone time." Xiao Qiao, who was hiding in a tree, managed to get hold of Lu Bu's house number, and using some form of encoded, anonymous "phone", she called Diao Chan. It started ringing. Zhang He sighed in relief.

"Thank god the woman's not gasbagging on the phone at the moment..."

"Hello?" Diao Chan answered the phone. Xiao Qiao grinned.

"IS this Miss Diao Chan?" she asked.

"Yes...you are speaking to Diao Chan, how may I help you?" God she sounds like a waitress! Xiao Qiao thought.

"We know why you're here. Meet us at the Redragon Cafe at 2pm, and we won't tell anyone. Or else..."

"What are you talking about?!" Diao Chan tried to sound confused, but panick reached them instead.

"Don't worry about finding us. We'll find you. Remember, your secret is at stake here. Don't worry this phone call is encoded. But don't work with us, and you'll lose it." Xiao Qiao hung up before Diao Chan could react.

"Oooh...she's in a panic!!!" Da Qiao said, looking into her binoculars. Zhang He smirked.

"It's showtime, ladies..." He said.

_Meanwhile, back at 3K HQ..._

Lu Xun was hacking into the files at Dong Zhuo Corporations, with the help of Zhou Yu, because he managed to swindle the workers of the computers, as this case was not listed as "HIGHLY IMPORTANT!!!". How did he swindle them? Let's say that the workers at the time were aaallllll female.

"Shit! Talk about high security in this bloody system!" Lu Xun lost his sophistication in frustration. His fingers were a blur as he tried every possible trick in the book to get through. Then a click.

"_Password Accepted_." went a voice.

"Lu Xun, you legend." said Lu Xun to himself. Zhou Yu looked over his shoulder.

"You got in?"

"Sure did. Uh oh." Lu Xun's eyes were wide. Zhou Yu read the stuff on the screen.

"Man, you're a genius." he complemented. Lu Xun managed to find one of the confidential files. Just one, though. But still...one is good enough. Especially after all that trouble trying to get in.

"But...man! That was an accident!" Lu Xun said. Zhou Yu raised an eyebrow.

"Whaddya mean?"

"Well...all I did was click Lu Bu's profile...then I saw 'confidential'...and when it asked for a password...I typed in 'diaochansmybitch'...and then I was in!"

"Say what? That password...that's weird..."

"I was only playing around then. Thinking like a 'Lu Bu'..."

"Must be a 'Lu' thing..."

"Shut up." Lu Xun swung at Zhou Yu who managed to duck in time. "Come on, let's analyse these files."

_2pm...Redragon Cafe..._

Diao Chan went extra early, just in case her interrogators will get mighty buggered if she was just one minute late. She sat waiting for a whole two hours for some sign of life.

Zhang He stepped in, only now he was dressed in a black Boss suit with a crisp white shirt and a new black tie. His normal hair ornaments were not worn, with his hair tied simply with a black ribbon. He made himself look more intellectual with a pair of non-prescription oval spectacles.

Diao Chan clicked her tongue in approval at the newcomer. Good looking, indeedy. Now, remember that Diao Chan thought a female was coming, so she didn't know that the guy she was checking out was really her interrogator. Zhang He plopped himself at her table. Diao Chan was thinking that this was her lucky day.

" 'afternoon, Miss Diao Chan..." greeted Zhang He in his most formal voice, crossing his legs. Diao Chan stared at the dandy in horror.

"You're...you're..."

"Your brother." Zhang He glared at her, giving her a hint. "Remember? We haven't meet in five years." Zhang He's darted around trying to pick any suspicion around him. Diao Chan, fortunately, was not as stupid as she may try to show, so she understood. The newcomer was trying to make it look as if they were just normal people having tea.

"Ahh...little brother...how have you been?" Diao Chan played along, though it was hard to hide the fear from her voice. Zhang He smirked.

"Fine, thank you. Tea?" He poured her a cup, then poured himself one. Diao Chan drank nervously. She had been expecting a female, not a polite, well dressed young man. Strangely polite.

"Thank you, dear." she answered.

"Pleasure. I've heard that you have a new lover. Lu Bu...I heard. Well done. You always wanted to be powerful."

"I do not! I just -"

"Rally me information. We're after the same thing, almost. I know you want to see Lu Bu and Dong Zhuo down. Here's my number..." Zhang He whispered and gave her a small piece of paper "It's encoded. Memorise, then destroy the slip. When you phone, ask for a Peacock's Talon.. Tell no one of me...or else..." Zhang He straightened his jacket, and smiled. "It's been wonderful meeting you, older sister. Let's meet again one day, and not under unpleasant circumstances." He said, standing up, ready to leave. Hopefully she understood his threat.

"Yes, we'll meet again. And not under unpleasant circimstances." Diao Chan winked at him. Zhang He wondered if it was because she understood his message, or because she was hitting on him. Hmm...

_Later...at Zhang He's house..._

"That went pretty well, didn't it?" Xiao Qiao said. She and Da Qiao heard everything at the Redragon through Zhang He's watch. At the moment, she was hanging at Zhang He's house, waiting for Da Qiao. Da Qiao was at a date with Sun Ce.

"Of course it went beautifully, darling, I created the plan!" Zhang He snapped irritably. Xiao Qiao pouted. Zhang He rolled his eyes. "Oh god, grow up!"

"Hey! It's not like you're that older than me! A few years...?" Xiao Qiao snapped back.

"Old enough!" He replied. Fortunately, the door bell rang. Zhang He opened it to see Lu Xun, Zhou Yu, Zhao Yun, Ma Chao, Gan Ning, and a few other boys from 3K. Gan Ning was carrying a box of beer over his shoulder. Zhang He grinned. It was footy night. Zhang He's turn to host. He grabbed the remote control and turned on the TV. Xiao Qiao, at the sight of Zhou Yu, flicked her hair, and made herself look as desirable as possible. Unfortunately for her, the newcomers had other ideas running through their brains.

"Hey...Zhang He..." said Zhuge Liang mischievously "...babysitting Da Qiao's kid sister again? Or did we just interrupt something? I mean...look at the longing in her face..." Everyone laughed except Zhang He and Xiao Qiao.

"Oi, lay off! Me want Zhang He?! As if!!!"

"I would die the most ugly death if it was a choice between it or her."


	2. The Monkey Man

AN: I forgot to put a disclaimer...

Disclaimer: I wish I owned Dynasty Warriors or the Romance of the Three Kingdoms. However, I don't...

Chapter 2: The Monkey Man

_The next day...Zhang He's secret room in 3K HQ..._

They had to wait for Da Qiao. She didn't come to pick her sister up, so Zhang He had to drive Xiao Qiao home, and when they got there, Da Qiao was no where to be seen. Zhang He's brain told him that Da QIao was still with Sun Ce.

But that was still no reason to be late. Da Qiao ran in, huffing. She had been running. Zhang He shuffled the papers in front of him.

"Da Qiao, what did I say about personal life and work...?"

"Yes, sir..." she huffed, taking her seat by Xiao Qiao. Zhang He looked at her.

"Don't let it happen again next time. Time has a lot to do with life and death, especially in this job. Now, to the case."

"Okay!" Lu Xun looked through his organised notes. "Yesterday, while monitoring Dong Zhuo's accounts and going through his systems, Zhou Yu and I found these confidential files. The first one I found was Lu Bu's transactions. He hasn't been doing much than spending for Diao Chan, really...but Zhou Yu managed to find these links within the transactions which lead to harsher matters. Like what they're up to."

"Really? So what are THEY up to?" Zhang He asked. Lu Xun coughed.

"Well...it was encoded."

"WHAT?!"

"Don't worry!!! I coerced Zhuge Liang and Sima Yi into helping me! Let's just say you'll be holding a few banquets..."

"WHAT?! I'LL BE HOLDING BANQUETS?!"

"It was part of the deal..."

"YOU MADE THE DEAL!!!"

"You get paid more." Lu Xun shuffled his notes. "I also found out that Dong Zhuo has cancelled all his credit cards, and makes large withdrawals every second month, and the months he doesn't withdraw, he deposits a small sum. I think it's an interest thing...you know, deposit and not withdraw within a month and get extra interest..."

"Very funny." Zhang He commented sarcastically. "Is that it?"

"So far. Gan Ning and Zhen Ji are making their way to Dong Zhuo Corporation right now to retrieve me some pamphlets while I'm stuck in front of a screen."

"Beautiful. Well, Lu Xun, the girls and I have managed to get Diao Chan to rally us information. She'd ring to one of the encoded phone systems you set up...and ask for a Peacock's Talon. If she ever reaches you and I'm not there, link me up."

"Sure thing, man."

"And I think it's time a paid another Zhang a visit...ready, girls?"

"Yeah!" answered Xiao Qiao, while Da Qiao yawned before agreeing. Zhang He frowned.

"Da Qiao, how long did you stay up last night?! When I took Xiao Qiao home, you weren't there..."

"I was with Sun Ce...we stayed up all night..."

"Lu Xun, buzz Sun Ce." Zhang He said. Lu Xun grabbed the receiver and dialed up Sun Ce. Sun Ce answered with a muffled, tired voice.

"Hello...? Sun Ce here...*yawn*..."

"Man, it's me, Lu Xun, and Zhang He's not happy with you. You just incapacitated one of his assistants."

"Sor-*yawn*-ry. Can I go back to sleep now?" can the reply. Zhang He frowned.

"TELL HIM THAT HIS FATHER WON'T BE HAPPY THAT HE'S GONNA BE LATE FOR WORK!!!"

"Dad won't know..." Sun Ce squeezed in, as he heard Zhang He. Zhang He grinned mischievously.

"NOT IF I HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH IT, MY FRIEND!!!" Zhang He grabbed the receiver from Lu Xun's hand and disconnected the call. He glared at Da Qiao. "I'm not going to let tired officers on the field! You will go home and sleep and if I find out that you weren't resting then I won't be very happy, and prepare to meet an unpleasant death, darling. Dismissed." Da Qiao left without a word. Xiao Qiao frowned.

"Sir! You can't do that to my sister!!"

"You just called me Sir, which means I have the power to do whatever! That's the beauty of that word, dear!" Zhang He said, and grabbing Xiao Qiao's hand he dragged her out of the room, and headed towards his car to drive to Zhang Jiao's temple. Lu Xun shook his head. Thank God no one else was here. Or he would be the laughing stock of the HQ...

_Meanwhile...Zhuge Liang's secret room..._

"HAHAHAHA!!!" Zhuge Liang, Sima Yi, Zhou Yu, Ma Chao, Zhao Yun and so on were spying from the secret camera that they managed to install into Zhang He's secret room without him noticing. They were rolling around laughing, clutching their stomachs, and tears were oozing from their eyes.

_Meanwhile...Dong Zhuo Corporations..._

Gan Ning and Zhen Ji went into the large building with walls that reflect everything of it.

"Whoa...! 3K HQ would never look like this!!!" Gan Ning said. Zhen Ji stomped her foot.

"Hurry up! I don't know why I agreed with that Lu Xun...stupid boy...had to bring up 'new flute' in the deal...now I'm stuck with Gan Ning!!!"

"Hey! I resent that!" Gan Ning said. "Do you think I'm happy about this? Lu Xun offered me two bottles of the finest wine to get me agreeing. And I didn't know at the time that YOU were going as well..."

"_Will you two stop bickering? I chose you two on purpose!!!_" came a voice from one of their receivers. It was Lu Xun. "_Now I want those pamphlets! And set up some membership with the Corporation! Remember what's at stake here!!!_" They heard coughing and muffled sounds that sounded to them like 'flute' and 'alcohol'.

"Alright...we'll go...don't know why you want just 'pamphlets' anyway...they're completely USELESS..." Gan Ning muttered as both walked towards the info desk. They grabbed the pamphlets and were about to nick off when...

"Hello, good looking, wanna check out my car?" A guard attempts to flirt with Zhen Ji. She growled.

"How about...no!" She hissed. But this guard ain't taking no for an answer. So he grabbed her around the waist, which would definitely make Zhou Yu shake his head in embarrassment, for THAT was DEFINITELY NOT a good move...

So consider the guard's ribs fractured. High heels makes GREAT weapons.

And more security came streaming in, and Gan Ning (grinning wildly at the people to hit) and Zhen Ji has to define the meaning a "A warrior worth a thousand" all over again.

And when they got back, Lu Xun was NOT VERY happy...

_12pm...Some temple..._

Zhang He is very happy. He managed to get Xiao Qiao to cosplay as a nurse, and he a weak, sickly (yet still "beautiful") young man with REALLY mussed up hair, to add to his sickly look. Actually...he wasn't very happy. He's going to have to remove a LOT of knots in his hair after this...

They both walked into the temple gates, with Xiao Qiao mumbling as she "pretends" to support Zhang He, when in actual fact, he's purposely putting his entire weight on her. For any normal person, this is actually nothing, for Zhang He is very light, but Xiao Qiao has a frame that is only for office work as she joined the organisation only because her sister did and Zhou Yu is a "pretty damn good looking spunk". Of course, Zhang He knew this all along, and is only trying to piss her off as well as getting the job done. It was like hitting two birds with one stone...something everyone in the organisation will say...

As the monks with yellow turbans hit the gongs to mark the coming of noon, Zhang He's eyes searched the area for a certain bearded guy...who looks quite similar to a monkey. "It's the beard." Zhang He explained to Xiao Qiao a while before when she asked what he looked like. Zhang He's keen eyes found the religious cult leader sipping some tea while preaching to crowd of monks with...well...yellow turbans. They sat down amongst the group. Zhang Jiao glanced at the newcomers. His eyes shone. New possible-disciples.

"Heh heh heh..." He muttered quietly, and resumed preaching. Interrogation occurs AFTER sermon. Zhang He and Xiao Qiao, not looking very happy because of all the pain Zhang He is placing her in, started kowtowing and mumbling stuff that can't be deciphered, looking very much into the group...apart from the obvious lack of yellow turbans. _No matter,_ thought Zhang Jiao, _I'll just give them some later..._and he continued the sermon.

He should have made sermon longer than usual. Both agents' knees were weak with lack a practice from kneeling so much, that both were fuming by the time it ended. If it DID go any longer, Zhang He would have just given up and find the religious cult leader another day, with a possibly more happier attitude.

"My children..." Zhang Jiao greeted with open arms "Do you want to join the Way of Peace?" Zhang He, this time actually struggling to stand due to the kneeling, fumbled through his bag (which contained only the Qiao sisters make up sets) and waited for everyone to leave when both agents grabbed the leader's arms and dragged him into a room, locking it. There was, conveniently, a lamp, which Zhang He grabbed and shone into Zhang Jiao's eyes, who cringed.

"What are you and Dong Zhuo planning?!" Zhang He demanded, shining the light very close to the religious cult leader. Xiao Qiao held a knife by Zhang Jiao's neck.

"Don't try anything funny." she threatened between her teeth. Zhang Jiao, strangely, actually whimpered.

"Okay, okay...we just want to cleanse the world from evil." the leader answered. Zhang He didn't look very convinced.

"You heard the lady, didn't you?" he said, cocking his head towards Xiao Qiao. Xiao Qiao grinned evilly.

"It's true!!! It's part of the deal we had..."

"What deal?" Zhang He demanded. Zhang Jiao was silent, so Xiao Qiao pressed the knife further. He gulped and answered.

"He wanted to rule the world, while I just want to the world to follow my religion, so he struck a deal that everyone must follow the Way of Peace while Dong Zhuo handles the politics and so on..."

"And you really think that works...?" Zhang He asked the whimpering leader cynically.

"It sounds like it could work..."

"ONLY the THEORY, you nong!!!" Zhang He had to refrain himself from letting go the lamp and slapping his forehead. "Well...now that we've got you...I'll just hafta call Lu Xun to send someone over to place you under arrest..."

"Sir! Don't tell them what we're gonna do!!!" Xiao Qiao whispered. Zhang He bit his lip.

"Darn it...I forgot about that. Very unpleasant mistake...BUT..." he looked cockily at her "THIS isn't the movies so I'm rather fine..." He took out his mobile phone and dialed. "Lu Xun?"

"_Yep._"

"I've got the Monkey Man."

"_Zhou Yu is already there to supply you with back up._"

"How the heck did you get him to agree?"

"_He lost a bet and is currently serving me._"

"Oh." Zhang He opened the door, and there was Zhou Yu and some soldiers, waiting outside. "Oi! Zhou Yu!!!"

"Ah. So you've got the Monkey Man." Zhou Yu turned to his soldiers. "Soldiers, place him in the van and take him to HQ."

"Yessir!" and they marched towards Zhang Jiao. Zhang He sighed in relief.

"Well...now we can properly interrogate him..." but before he could finish that sentence, Xiao Qiao pushed him aside and smiled serenely (though Zhang He thought she was overdoing it) at Zhou Yu.

"Oh, Zhou Yu, you can just in the nick of time! You're my hero..." she said. Zhou Yu just looked at her, surprised.

"Well...uh...glad I could be of service..." He looked pleadingly at Zhang He for help, who just rolled his eyes.

"I think that this was too much for you, my dear, so why don't we go back? In fact, I'll let you go back first with Zhou Yu's men, while I and Zhou Yu will discuss important matters..." and as he grabbed Xiao Qiao's shoulders and turned her to the car and gave her an encouraging push, he muttered "...like how to save him from you..."

"What did you say...?" Xiao Qiao asked she walked towards the car. Zhang He shrugged and feigned innocence.

"Nothing, my dear." and when the car with her inside drove off, both men sighed in relief.

"...thought I couldn't get away from her...horrible death..."

"...thought I was going to be sick and my eyes were going to burn..."

  
AN: Yet another chapter finished!!! I wonder if I'm actually getting anywhere...


	3. The Inner Workings of HQ

AN: Oh my god! Is this an upate? Heck, it is! Shock! Just read.

Chapter 3: The Inner Workings of HQ

_Same day...3pm..._

"Also, there's a whole pile of old junk for you to file for the library archives..." Lu Xun was ordering Zhou Yu around, Zhou Yu shaking his head miserably. It was one thing to mock the strategist's height...but it was a completely different thing to try and outsmart him. As usual, Zhou Yu wondered why Zhang He, as incompetent as he is, managed to find all the useful people for his team. Of course, Zhang He was quite pleased, as Zhou Yu contributed effectively to team morale, with Xiao Qiao working harder than ever.

"So, Lu Xun, how went the interrogation?" Zhang He asked his assistant.

"Zhang Jiao was a tough nut to crack...but nothing is impossible to me." Lu Xun grinned mischievously and triumphantly. "We got some info on dealings and stuff...still hafta sort through them first and assign priorities." Zhang He nodded in response.

"Good work." And he walked off grinning triumphantly. "Take that, stupid head honchos..." he muttered proudly and quietly to himself. Lu Xun so his boss group leader walk off, and shook his head. Only the first case, and Zhang He's acting all smug. But then again...he's always been smug. He resumed looking through his files, when, suddenly, a large pile of pamphlets landed on top of his work in front of him.

"Well met, Gan Ning, Zhen Ji..." Lu Xun greeted, pretending to look innocent. Gan Ning cursed.

"Enough with the formalities, kid, here's your stupid pamphlets." He breathed. Zhen Ji looked rather bushed as well. Lu Xun raised an eyebrow, suspicious of what could have happened.

"Did you get into a fight at the corporation...?" He asked slyly. Silence followed. Lu Xun knew he was right. His eye twitched. His temple veins pulsed. They knew this wasn't going to be good. Those were the two initial signs of a demonic Lu Xun. All because he has poor anger management skills.

"They were harassing Zhen Ji! It was purely self defense!" Gan Ning cried for dear life. Zhen Ji nodded frantically. Lu Xun calmed himself.

"In that case, I see why you whooped their arses." Lu Xun was all nice again. Sigh of relief. Lu Xun remained oblivious to his anger management problems. Gan Ning then looked at Lu Xun's pamphlet's strangely.

"Oi...why the hell do you need these stupid pamphlets anyway...!" he demaned. Lu Xun gave him a look of disbelief.

"What! Come on, there could be some kind of code in it! Or secret or something. You can't be too cautious." he answered in a matter-of-fact tone. Gan Ning couldn't believe what he was hearing.

"You seriously believe that...those...or...advertisements, have something..."

"Yes and no. Doesn't hurt to give it a look through."

"Right. Well, doesn't matter, just give us our stuff." Gan Ning spoke for both him and Zhen Ji. Lu Xun gave them a look of pure innocence. Zhen Ji rolled her eyes. Lu Xun never goes back on his word, but...

"Go ask Zhang He, he'll give them to you." Lu Xun's voice was as sweet as honey. His promises never involved his own money...just Zhang He's. Gan Ning and Zhen Ji gave a simultaneous sigh. Well, Zhang He would still give it to them...murmering about his own death. He'll do it only because Lu Xun was worth his money. Lu Xun abused this fact.

"Well, I'll see ya around." Gan Ning said, turning to leave.

"Work hard." Zhen Ji said as she followed Gan Ning. Lu Xun raised an eyebrow at her back.

"Huh? Work hard! I ALWAYS work hard! I work for a lazy, narcissistic prick! And his two assistants are useless!" Lu Xun muttered loudly. Unfortunately, Da Qiao and Xiao Qiao heard him. They looked as if they were from the burning legions of Hell. Lu Xun thought he felt a piercing glare directed at his back. He turned, and met to savage avengers. He smirked.

"Well met, Sun Ce! Zhou Yu!" he cried out suddenly, looking behind the girls. The girls suddenly forgot their anger and turned around, beaming.

"Where?" They said at the same time, only to find no one there. They resumed being angry at Lu Xun, with added venom due to his deception, only to turn around to find the young strategist gone. Smoke bellowed out of their noses.

"We'll kill him."

"Damn straight."

_Meanwhile...under a secret trap door beneath Lu Xun's desk that leads to a web of secret tunnels that provides access to all areas in the building including the head offices and the female change rooms...3.15pm..._

"Fools! They will never find out about this place!" Lu Xun whispered triumphantly. He noticed a moving shadow. The shadow was definitely owned by a tall male, hair tied in a pony tail, hair piece. Possibly of the age of twenty seven, considering there was only one other person who knows of the secret web.

"Zhang He...are you going to peek in the female change rooms, again!"

The shadow ran away.

_Later...5pm...outside 3K HQ..._

"My favourite time of day...home time!" Lu Xun cried with glee. He and Zhang He also left the building at five, the girls even earlier. It was their policy. Zhou Yu and Gan Ning happened to come out after them. Gan Ning had a large grin on his face.

"Thanks, Zhang He, for the booze! It's great stuff...!" Gan Ning said, slightly pissed, throwing his arm over the shoulders of the dandy and gave him a head noggin. Zhang He cringed from the alcohol breath.

"Gan Ning! They discovered this miraculous product called breath mints!" he cried indignantly. Lu Xun raised an eyebrow.

"Wait...Gan Ning, were you drinking in the middle of work again!" He asked, unimpressed. Gan Ning shook his head.

"Heck no...I only sampled it..." Gan Ning denied. Zhou Yu scoffed.

"Yeah...he sampled the whole keg."

"Typical."

"Such ugliness."

Then they heard a commotion from behind the building. All four young men ran around it, only to find it was a marital quarrel between Zhen Ji and Cao Cao's son, Cao Pi. Well...ex-marital quarrel. They're divorcees. Zhang He yawned.

"Bah, and I thought it was something interesting." He turned to leave.

"This is old news." Zhou Yu followed suit.

"Hah! Things get boring fast these days..." and Lu Xun chased after them. On a tipsy Gan Ning remained because his relfexes were slowed. Zhen Ji crossed her arms and looked angrily at Cao Pi (they didn't know Gan Ning was still there)

"Cao Pi, I told you again and again, it's so over to the point that we divorced, you agreed, and I'm having a great life without you!"

"Look, I know that you're the type to jump from one boss's son to the other, I mean remember Yuan Shao's boy?" Cao Pi grabbed Zhen Ji's arm. "So just be pleased that I want you back, cos no one will want you, you slut!"

"Oi! That's no way to speak to a lady...!" Gan Ning cried out. "Slut or not!"

"Damn straight, Gan Ning!" Zhou Yu turned around and remarked, anything gentlemanly was second nature to him. He even held classes for the gentlemanly-challenged, and already wrote a best-selling lifestyle book to teach men on such. Then he realised what Gan Ning just placed himself into. So did Zhang He and Lu Xun.

"Oh, jeez..." Lu Xun murmured. "That's the last time I give him booze..." Zhang He fumed.

"Excuse me? Young man, I GAVE HIM THE BLOODY BOOZE!"

"Good, so whatever consequence come out of this, it's entirely your fault." Lu Xun said cunningly. Zhang He shook his fist at such devious behaviour.

"There's no beauty in deception, you...you...midget." Lu Xun froze. He turned to Zhang He slowly, grinning insanely, eye twitching, raspy breathing, temple's pulsing.

"Midget...?" It was taboo to call Lu Xun midget. He can handle any insult, as long as it wasn't directed at his height. "I'M ONLY SEVENTEEN! I'M A LATE SPROUTER! I HAVEN'T GOT MY GROWTH SPURT YET!"

"Calm down, Lu Xun. Kill Zhang He later, we have a pirate to save." Zhou Yu interrupted Lu Xun's anger burst. Lu Xun calmed down almost immediately. He looked at Gan Ning, and gave a small chuckle.

"Zhou Yu, I think we're a tad bit late." he commented, as they all looked at Gan Ning pull Cao Pi's ears and his pants and threw them across the street, giving him a large kick on the behind at the same time. Zhang He cringed.

"Such inelegance. What crude methods. Are we so low that we must live as animals!"

"Technically speaking, we are." Lu Xun pointed out. Zhang He glared.

"Quiet. I know that. I am not as foolish as everyone else thinks." Zhou Yu and Lu Xun rolled their eyes. Yeah right. Cao Pi ran for his life, looking furiously back to Gan Ning.

"I'll get you! You can have that stupid woman too!" and he left. Gan Ning was confused. What woman? There was only Zhen Ji who was female...and Zhang He would classify, but the nurses told them he was all male. Then he remembered he was saving a lady. He only saw her back though. He looked at Zhen Ji. She was steaming mad.

"Um...did I just save you...by accident?" Gan Ning needed clarification. Zhen Ji stomped her foot.

"I've never been so humiliated! I can definitely put up with Cao Pi's antics, but to be rescued by you, a crude, rude, ex-pirate is the worst! I can never live like this! THAT'S IT! I'M GOING TO -" All four men grabbed her before she did anything rash.

"Don't commit suicide because of me!" Gan Ning cried. Zhen Ji looked confused.

"Suicide? As if. I was think of gorging on food." Pause. They let her go. Then she slapped Gan Ning across the face.

"That's for rescuing me." And she left. Gan Ning rubbed his cheek, burning a hole into the woman's back with his eyes.

"Pfft...on second thoughts, I think I was subconsciously saving Cao Pi from that woman." Gan Ning cursed. The other three just looked at him with smirks stretched across their faces. Lu Xun was first to speak.

"Gan Ning got bitch-slapped..." he sang. Truly a seventeen year old. Zhang He frowned.

"Language, Lu Xun, language."

AN: Oh my god! What an utterly pathetic piece of writing! Well, this was just a filler to understand (some) of the workings of HQ, and the mind of our very beloved short-stop strategist, Lu Xun (marry me). Short, useless, except for a few detail swhich actually come into play. As for the character ages, they were taken from Dynasty Warriors 4 Empires. God bless character profiles. If you see errors, this chapter wasn't proofread. More interesting junk soon. Till next time, ja-ne.


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